The Happiness Trap

We spend so much of our lives trying to feel good and avoid feeling bad.

On the surface, that seems completely reasonable. Who would not want more happiness and less pain?

Yet this very strategy – chasing positivity and running from negativity – becomes its own kind of prison. It keeps us stuck on a treadmill of desire, frustration, and dissatisfaction. This is the happiness trap.

In this post, we will unpack:

• The two main traps: avoiding negativity and chasing positivity
• How expectations secretly shrink your capacity for joy
• Why more pleasure often leads to more dissatisfaction
• A practical, spiritual way out: equanimity, contentment, and inner joy.

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Trap 1: The Suffering Equation – Pain Times Aversion

Let us start with the easier trap to see: our avoidance of negativity.

When we experience a problem, loss, or any kind of pain, there are always two layers:

1. The pain itself
2. Our reaction to it – especially our resistance or aversion

You can express this with a simple equation:

Suffering = Pain × Aversion

If pain is present but aversion is low, suffering is relatively small. If aversion is high, suffering multiplies.
In my video I give you examples of how to see this. 

 

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Trap 2: The Hidden Cost Of Chasing Positivity

The second trap is more subtle and far more interesting: the way we chase after positive experiences.

So let’s use an example to explain why.

The Bali holiday: when joy turns into dissatisfaction

Imagine you have been saving all year for a dream holiday in Bali.

You spend months planning and visualizing:

• Seven days on the beach
• Warm weather
• Cocktails by the ocean
• No work, no responsibilities

You finally go, everything goes well, and you have a truly wonderful time.

Then you come home.

Very often, people report a kind of post-holiday crash:

• Back to work
• Cold, grey weather
• Daily routines and responsibilities

You might think:

• I wish I were still in Bali.
• Life feels dull now.
• How long until my next holiday?

Notice what is happening:

• A genuinely positive experience (the holiday) has created its own form of suffering.
• Even while still on holiday, you may start feeling sad that it will end soon.

The mind turns joy into longing and loss.

How pleasure raises your expectations

Underneath this is a crucial dynamic: every time you experience a higher level of pleasure, your expectations rise.

• Before the holiday, your everyday life might have felt acceptable.
• After a week of tropical bliss, the same life can feel flat, boring, or disappointing.

In effect:

• Your level of what you now expect from life has moved up a notch.
• When reality returns to normal, you feel worse than before you left.

And it does not end there.

Suppose you save up again and go back to Bali the next year. Very often, people say things like:

• It was good, but not quite as magical as the first time.

Why? Because your expectation of pleasure has also risen.

The difference between:

• what you expect and what you actually get has shrunk. That shrinking gap means less perceived happiness.

The refugee and the billionaire: the expectation gap

Consider two families, both given the same modest but comfortable home in an ordinary suburb:

• Family 1: A refugee family that has been living in tents for years.
• Family 2: A billionaire family used to luxury mansions.

Who is likely to feel happier about the house?

Obviously, the refugee family.

• For them, the house is safety, stability, and comfort beyond what they have had in years. Their expectations are low, the reality is high, and the gap creates enormous gratitude and joy.
• For the billionaire family, the same house feels like a downgrade, a hassle, maybe even an insult. Their expectations are sky-high, and the reality falls far short.

This illustrates a powerful truth:

The amount of happiness you feel is largely the difference between what you expect and what you get.

The same goes for unhappiness: the bigger the gap between what you think life should be and what it actually is, the more you suffer.

And here is the trap:

The more pleasure we get, the more our expectations keep rising.

I use the example of Elon Musk who wants an extra trillion dollars because half a trillion is not enough!!

This is the trap of positivity:

• Every time you get a win, you need a bigger win next time.
• Every time you experience intense pleasure, normal life feels a little worse.
• The more you chase happiness in external things, the more fragile and dependent your happiness becomes.

In other words, you cannot win that game. – It is a hamster wheel of chasing.

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A Flawed Escape: Expect The Worst

Some people react to this by swinging in the opposite direction:

• If expectations cause suffering, I will just expect the worst.
• Then when things go well, I will be pleasantly surprised.

There is a grain of truth here. Lowering expectations can indeed reduce disappointment.

But living in chronic pessimism is not freedom. It narrows your heart, dims your joy, and still keeps you mentally trapped in managing expectations.

There is a wiser way.

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The Real Way Out: Releasing Expectations Altogether

On the spiritual path and in deep meditation, the aim is not to constantly manage or lower expectations, but to let go of them altogether.

This does not mean:

• Giving up on life
• Losing motivation
• Becoming passive or numb

It means meeting each moment without insistence that it must be positive or negative, pleasant or unpleasant.

Living without rigid expectations

When you release expectations:

• Each day becomes fresh instead of a test you are constantly passing or failing.
• You do not demand that life be comfortable, but you appreciate comfort when it appears.
• You do not collapse when life is painful, because you were not clinging to the idea that it should never hurt.

You start to relate to experience like this:

• This is what is here now.
• Let me meet it fully, with as much wisdom and kindness as I can.

This is the beginning of equanimity – a deep inner balance that is not thrown around by every up and down.

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From Equanimity To Contentment And Joy

When expectations loosen and equanimity grows, something surprising happens:

• You become more peaceful.
• A quiet sense of contentment begins to arise.

Contentment is not excitement. It is a deep okayness with life as it is.

And from that contentment, another quality often flowers:

Inner joy.

This joy is:

• Not dependent on holidays, money, or praise
• Not destroyed by difficult days or painful emotions
• More like a gentle glow than a fireworks display

It can be present even when things are going wrong on the surface.

You still feel pain, sadness, or disappointment when life is hard. But there is also a stable undercurrent of okayness and quiet happiness that does not vanish with every setback.

This is very different from the fragile happiness of the pleasure-chasing mind.

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But What About Enjoying Life?

Letting go of expectations and stepping out of the happiness trap does not mean avoiding pleasure.

There is not problem in pleasure (or pain for that matter) So feel free to go on holiday – just do so without any expectations. 

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Practical Ways To Step Out Of The Happiness Trap

Here are some gentle, practical directions inspired by the teaching behind this happiness trap idea:

1. Notice aversion when pain appears

Next time you experience something unpleasant, ask:

• What is the raw sensation or situation?
• What extra suffering am I adding with my thoughts and resistance?

Even simply seeing that distinction can soften the impact.

2. Notice craving when pleasure appears

When you are enjoying something, observe the subtle shift from:

• This is nice

to:

• I do not want this to end.
• I need more of this.

Just noticing that shift helps break the automatic cycle of clinging.

3. Reflect on your expectations

Ask yourself:

• What do I quietly expect from life right now?
• How much of my frustration comes from life not matching those expectations?

Recognizing this gap is the first step in loosening it.

4. Cultivate mindfulness and meditation

Mindfulness and meditation are powerful ways to:

• See pain and pleasure clearly
• Watch thoughts and emotions come and go
• Experience moments of equanimity and stillness

Over time, this trains the mind to be less reactive, less demanding, and more at peace.

5. Prioritize inner qualities over outer highs

Instead of organizing your life around chasing the next pleasurable hit, consciously value inner qualities like:

• Equanimity
• Contentment
• Compassion
• Clarity

These are the foundations of the inner joy that does not depend on circumstances.

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Conclusion: Stepping Off The Hamster wheel

If this article has stirred a truth in you and you have decided to get off the hamster wheel, our mentoring program is starting on January 8th. We can guide you powerfully to tranquility and inner joy with a group of like minded people. 

Reply to this email for more information.